Reflections
D'vrei Torah by Rabbi Ellie Shemtov
The greatest of all faults is to tell yourself that you have none. It’s hard for most of us to admit our faults; to admit when we have done something wrong; or to admit when we have wronged someone else. Even though we know we are not perfect it still can be difficult to own up to our mistakes. We might believe we are kind and fair but then find that we occasionally do things that are not kind and fair. Psychologists call this phenomenon cognitive dissonance. We know we did something wrong but our belief that we are kind and fair causes us to feel conflicted. This week’s Torah portion, Vayeishev is dominated by the story of Joseph and his relationship with his father Jacob and his many brothers. In short, as Jacob’s favorite child Joseph is a bit of a spoiled brat who often lords his favored status over his brothers. Not surprisingly, the brothers don’t take kindly to Joseph’s bratty behavior and in a moment of anger they sell him into slavery and hide the facts from their father. It’s here that the Joseph story takes a slight detour and focuses on one of Joseph’s brothers, Judah. Going off on his own Judah meets Shua and they get married. Shua gives birth to three sons and when the eldest son Er is grown, Judah marries him off to a woman named Tamar. When Er dies suddenly, in accordance with the laws of a levirate marriage, Judah’s next eldest son Onan becomes Tamar’s husband. When Onan also dies Judah informs Tamar she will need to wait until his youngest son Shelah is older before she can marry him. When some time goes by and the marriage has not yet happened, Tamar becomes impatient and sets out to deceive her father-in-law. Dressing up in a disguise, she tricks Judah into having sex. As a pledge for payment to Tamar, Judah leaves behind his seal and cord. Upon discovering a few months later that his daughter-in-law is pregnant, Judah threatens to have her killed. As Tamar is being brought out, she sends a message: לְאִישׁ֙ אֲשֶׁר־אֵ֣לֶּה לּ֔וֹ אָֽנֹכִ֖י הָרָ֑ה וַתֹּ֨אמֶר֙ הַכֶּר־נָ֔א לְמִ֞י הַֽחֹתֶ֧מֶת וְהַפְּתִילִ֛ים וְהַמַּטֶּ֖ה הָאֵֽלֶּה: I I am with child by the man to whom these belong…. Examine these; whose seal and cord and staff are these? (Gen. 38:25) Judah recognizes the items as his and concedes: צָֽדְקָ֣ה מִמֶּ֔נִּי כִּֽי־עַל־כֵּ֥ן לֹֽא־נְתַתִּ֖יהָ לְשֵׁלָ֣ה She is more in the right than I; because I did not give her to Shelah my son. (Gen. 38:26) Despite the cognitive dissonance, Judah makes no effort to deny his own responsibility for what has happened to Tamar. He doesn’t hesitate to admit his error in judgment. What exactly Judah will do when many years later he and his siblings come face to face with Joseph, the brother they sold into slavery, is as yet unclear. But at least in the case of Tamar, Judah has come to understand that the greatest of all faults is to tell yourself you have none. Shabbat Shalom, Ellie The Flip Side to Forgiveness is Resentments The Christian theologian Lewis B. Smedes once said: To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Forgiveness is often defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you. But, forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to become friends with the person who harmed you or believe that what happened was ok. Instead, forgiveness means letting go of negative feelings and finding peace of mind. Forgiveness is an important part of the 12-Step approach. Step 8 asks us to make a list of all persons we harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 then directs us to make amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. At the end of last week’s Torah portion Vayeitzei, Jacob hears the sons of his father-in-law Laban speaking harshly about Jacob. After living with Laban for many years, Jacob now realizes how things have come to a head and God tells him it is time to return home, to the land where he was born. As this week’s portion Vayishlach begins, Jacob and his family have left Laban and Jacob is fearful about his coming encounter with his brother Esau. After having been estranged from his brother for many years, Jacob is afraid Esau will seek revenge on him for stealing both his birthright and his father’s blessing. Jacob sends messengers ahead to let Esau know he is bringing gifts, hoping this will soften his brother’s heart. As he spots Esau coming towards him, Jacob bows low to the ground seven times at which point: וַיָּ֨רָץ עֵשָׂ֤ו לִקְרָאתוֹ֙ וַֽיְחַבְּקֵ֔הוּ וַיִּפֹּ֥ל עַל־צַוָּארָ֖ו וַיִּשָּׁקֵ֑הוּ וַיִּבְכּֽוּ: Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and falling on his neck he kissed him. (Gen. 33:4) The Life Recovery Bible remarks how returning to someone we have hurt is a scary thing, noting how the passing years, the lack of communication, and memories of anger and hateful emotional exchanges can all create tremendous anxiety. It’s easy to view Jacob as devious and perceive the gifts as a bribe, but it’s also easy to view the gifts as a gesture towards seeking forgiveness from his brother. No matter which way you look at it, it seems that at least Esau understands it is time to forgive because he knows the flip side to forgiveness is resentments. Shabbat Shalom. Ellie Getting something you've never had requires doing something you've never done.
When I made up my mind to go back to school and become a rabbi in mid-life, I knew it would be a difficult transition. It had been years since I was a full-time college student. Returning to school would also require me to leave a good government job, move from my home of twenty-three years in Washington, DC and find a way to support myself while in school in New York. I had never done anything quite so risky but I was determined to move forward with what I believed was my life’s mission. At the very beginning of this week’s Torah portion Chayei Sarah, which means the life of Sarah, Sarah dies. After burying his wife, Abraham decides it is time to find a wife for his son Isaac. He assigns this task to his servant Eliezer. Without much pomp and circumstance, Eliezer meets Rebekah, who he quickly decides possesses the right qualities for Isaac. One of those qualities is kindness. In response to Eliezer’s request for water, Rebekah not only provides him with a drink but then unprompted, draws water for Eliezer’s camels. Rebekah agrees to go back with Eliezer and marry Isaac. In doing so she not only has to leave home but also travel to a place she has never been and marry someone she has never met. Whatever her plans for the future had been before Eliezer entered her life, Rebekah seizes the moment without hesitation. She somehow knows her fate lies with Isaac. Not unlike my own decision to leave everything I had known for twenty-three years behind me, Rebekah decides to leave the only life she had ever known and go with Eliezer. It was a decision grounded in the belief that in order to get something you’ve never had you need to do something you have never done. Shabbat Shalom, Ellie Do the Next Right Thing As I sat down to write this week’s 12-Step Torah offering on what was a bright and sunny Wednesday afternoon, the presidential election was still undecided. Trying as best as I could to carry on with my day, I signed on that morning to a Zoom meeting hosted by Luther, a Christian seminary in Minnesota. The meeting was held for mentors of students at the seminary. Just how I became a mentor for a student at a Christian Seminary is a story for another day, but during the meeting each mentor was asked how they were feeling. I mentioned that I was both physically and mentally exhausted, but also hopeful. Quoting the 12-Step saying Do the next right thing, I announced that when our mentor meeting was over I would be heading to a Protect the Results rally in my town. In other words, despite feeling a bit stuck and out of sorts, I decided to do the next right thing and head to a rally. In this week’s Torah portion, Vayeira, Abraham is also given an opportunity to do the next right thing. Upset at the wickedness of the people in Sodom and Gomorrah, God decides to destroy the cities. When Abraham hears what God is planning, he challenges God: וַיִּגַּ֥שׁ אַבְרָהָ֖ם וַיֹּאמַ֑ר הַאַ֣ף תִּסְפֶּ֔ה צַדִּ֖יק עִם־רָשָֽׁע: אוּלַ֥י יֵ֛שׁ חֲמִשִּׁ֥ים צַדִּיקִ֖ם בְּת֣וֹךְ הָעִ֑יר הַאַ֤ף תִּסְפֶּה֙ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֣א לַמָּק֔וֹם לְמַ֛עַן חֲמִשִּׁ֥ים הַצַּדִּיקִ֖ם אֲשֶׁ֥ר בְּקִרְבָּֽהּ Will you indeed sweep away the innocent along with the wicked? Suppose there are fifty who are innocent in the city, will you indeed sweep away the place? (Gen. 18:23-24). God responds that if there are indeed fifty innocent people in Sodom and Gomorrah, the cities will not be destroyed. Abraham then continues to bargain God down – what if there are 45 innocent people, 40 innocent people, 30 innocent people, 20 innocent people, 10 innocent people? Each time, God assures Abraham that in that case, the cities will not be destroyed. Abraham wastes no time and challenges God not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, not five times, but six times. With each challenge overcome, Abraham knows immediately what he has to do to continue to try and save the innocent people living in Sodom and Gomorrah. He has to do the next right thing. Whatever the outcome of the election, the next few years hold many challenges and hurdles for us, the people of this United States of America to overcome. Of course with all those challenges and hurdles will come no shortage of opportunities for us, the people of this United States of America, to step up and do the next right thing. Shabbat Shalom, Ellie A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step. Taking that first step towards overcoming an obstacle can feel scary and intimidating. I remember the day I first realized I needed help. Married to an alcoholic, the disease had progressed to a place I could no longer handle on my own. I knew all my efforts to enable the alcoholic in my life were no longer working and I was left with two choices – get help or go down with the ship. I chose to get help but taking that first step was extremely difficult. Sitting alone in my kitchen it took two hours before I could summon the courage to pick up the phone and make the call that would change my life for the better. As scary as that first step can be, in this week’s Torah portion Lech Lecha, it doesn’t appear at all scary for Abraham. He doesn’t hesitate when God instructs him to: לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵֽאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ Go forth from your native land and from your father’s house to the land that I will show you. (Gen. 12:1) Abraham doesn’t hesitate to pick himself up and go with his family to an unrevealed destination – a destination to be determined by God. He packs his bags and with his entire family-- his wife Sarah, his nephew Lot, and all his followers, embarks on what will be a most important journey. Maybe it helped that he wasn’t going alone and maybe his wealth made the journey easier. On the other hand, traveling with so many people and so many belongings could only make the journey more complicated. Either way, Abraham doesn’t hesitate. As the father of monotheism, he makes the decision to turn towards the one God and turn away from the idol-worshipping gods of his past. Journeys are intentional efforts to move beyond ourselves. When we embark on a journey we venture into unfamiliar territory in order to seek new challenges and find new answers. Like Abraham, we may not know what is out there when we embark on our journeys, but we are propelled by the opportunity to explore new worlds and ideas. Whether we are seeking a better life or just looking for an adventure, a journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step. L’Shalom, Ellie |
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